Living in Limbo
by Linay
Summary: The greatest injuries are usually those we inflict upon ourselves. A story in three parts: Tomoe, Kaoru and Kenshin. complete
1. Chapter 1

**Limbo**

**Part 1: Silence**

_I posted this some time ago on my livejournal. Thanks for all the feedback._

Tomoe is silent when she greets him at the door, inclining her head as she gently pulls his car coat from his shoulders. She is silent when she passes him a bowl of food at the dinner table, watching his deft fingers manipulate his chopsticks. She does not speak as they rise simultaneously from the table, she gathering the dishes quietly and he padding into the living room to read the paper. Into the long hours of the evening, the only sounds to be heard are the gentle clinking of the plates as she washes, dries and puts them away and the occasional sound of rustling paper as he turns the page. When they retire to their bedroom, she does not make a sound as he pulls her into his arms and they both pretend they are happy. And afterward, when the moonlight streams through the blinds in bright bars, she wonders when their voices disappeared. There are no longer any words between them.

She had never been the vocal type, speaking only when necessary in a voice soft and tender. When she had first met him, they had been bound by the blood he'd shed. Naturally, he had appreciated her solemn nature and she always knew why. There had been a wild, desperate look in his eyes then, as if he were teetering on the brink of madness. And with her smooth, milk-white hands and her deep, soulful eyes, she had held him fast to sanity. She had been the calm in the centre of his storm. No words had even been necessary.

But the times had changed. _He _had changed. The look in his eyes had grown mellow and the tense muscles of his neck had eventually relaxed. They had moved away from the dangerous streets of the inner city to the quiet streets of the suburbs. He had gone to teach at college and she had stayed home to be a wife. But without the blood, without his inner rage, Tomoe had discovered that he no longer needed her.

So, she continues to wait at home in the silence of her perfectly built cage, while he pursues his dreams and his career. She sits quietly as the years pass, her hands neatly folded in her lap. As soon as she hears his car pull up into the driveway, she rises to open the door and greet him, her pale face expressionless. She can smell _her_ on him, but does not say anything. When she takes his coat, she discreetly pulls the black strands of hair from his collar, hair that is much, much longer than her own. When they sit down to eat, she ignores the small hickeys just below his shirt collar. When he reaches to take the bowl of rice from her hand, she tries to not imagine what those manipulative fingers have done to someone else.

Tomoe knows who _she _is. She accompanied him to a faculty function once. Once and never again since. His graduate students were all there, laughing and drinking their cocktails. Their semi-apologetic glances and overly-polite conversation told her that they all knew about that it was going to happen. And Tomoe knew who _she _was as soon as her husband introduced her, his fingers at her elbow.

"Kaoru," he had said, his eyes elsewhere, "This is my wife, Tomoe."

At the time, the young, cheerfully optimistic child probably hadn't even realized she would become her rival. She had smiled and shook her hand with enthusiasm. But Tomoe had watched the way her husband's lips had turned up at the sight of her joyous smile and the way his violet eyes had followed her as she bounced off. And at that moment, Tomoe had _known_.

And so, a month later, when Kenshin had come home smelling slightly of sweat, Tomoe had stopped speaking all together.

When they enter their bedroom late at night, there are no more words. They do not bother recounting their days or discussing the news. They simply enter each other's arms, pretending. She knows he cannot leave her. His sense of duty will not allow him to cast her aside, she who saved him from the abyss of their bloodied past. But he cannot give up the girl's laugh, her innocent joy or her youthful passion. She knows he is trying to live in both worlds. So, even though she knows he is not yet asleep, she covers her face with the long fingers of one hand and lets the tears fall.

There is nothing left to say; but her tears continue to scream, unheard.


	2. Chapter 2

**Limbo**

**Part 2: Incomplete**

She knows for certain that she will always feel inferior.

Perhaps, she thinks as she twists one long, red strand of his hair around her pinkie finger, it is because _she _was first. Kaoru is young and ambitious and knows she radiates innocence – but she is not blind to the shadows shifting just under Kenshin's gentle violet gaze. She can see, _there_, in a brief reflection of his eyes as he looks up at her with a smile, that his wife still haunts him.

His _wife._ Kaoru has to look away from her naked lover for a moment, her stomach clenching at the thought. Carefully, she smoothes his bare shoulder her rough fingertips and reasons with herself, thinking back to the moment when she first met Tomoe.

Closing her eyes, she can still see Tomoe's dark eyes and her ethereal, pale face. She is beautiful beyond words. And yet, Kaoru knows that Tomoe knew then that her husband would stray from her perfect, lovely side. Oh no, Kaoru didn't realize it at the time; but there had been something strange in those deep doe eyes that had spoken to her, had almost warned her. Her hand had been cool, Kaoru remembers, cool as the earth freshly turned in a grave.

She had become Kenshin's lover without even realizing it, their mutual passion ignited when he saw her practicing with a wooden sword. Unable to refuse him, she had eagerly been swept up into gentle caresses, fond kisses and an endless string of conversation – sensible and nonsensical.

But still, Kaoru knows that the ghost of his marriage sits at the foot of their borrowed bed, piercing him every time he pierces her. He is always slightly apologetic after they make love – to her or his wife, she is never really sure. She almost hates herself but she still tries to carry his guilt away with her ceaseless talk; always telling him stories, always laughing and always, always, always asking questions. She despises him when he simply smiles at her and doesn't really answer, instead filling the gap between them with jokes and small talk.

Sometimes she blames Tomoe. Tomoe, in all her poise and elegance, had not been able to keep her husband from searching elsewhere. Tomoe, with her silent grace, had anchored her husband for a reason unknown to her. But sometimes, when Kaoru asks about what Kenshin did before becoming a professor, a strange look clouds his face and he is unable to look at her. It is a look of a man haunted. This look always signals the end of a visit and Kaoru knows that he is reeled back in to his wife. She wonders why he is bound to Tomoe so tightly and yet not tightly enough. And when she asks, he cannot answer.

Sometimes she blames Kenshin. Perhaps if his love were stronger or if he had more self-control, they would never have been thrust into this half-love. And yet, she knows he cannot help it. She knows deep in the pit of her stomach that he both loves and hates her for her joyful exuberance. She feels how his guilt eats him when he kisses her.

But mostly, of course, she blames herself. His wife is beautiful and kind. She hates Tomoe; then feels pity for her. Kenshin is wonderful and strong. She loves him madly and then despises him because she does not want to share. She comes between them – and loves and hates and then loves and finally hates it.

But still … she presses her lips to his and relishes the moments that he is willing to give.


	3. Chapter 3

**Limbo**

**Part 3: Caught**

This is the time when he feels most like himself.

He is in his car, sitting at the red light that marks the midpoint between the apartment and the house. His hands shift slightly on the steering wheel as the engine idles. He wonders if it is strange that he loves this intersection. He loves it more than the disorganized warmth of Kaoru's studio apartment and more than the refined elegance of Tomoe's perfectly ordered house.

The intersection asks no questions. Instead, it is Kenshin who finds himself asking. Through the frosted windshield, he watches as nearly a dozen people amble past the row of cars. They seem unaware of their seated audience, laughing or quarrelling as if no one were watching. His eyes follow a trio of jostling school girls as they skip ahead of each other to reach the mall on the other side of the intersection. Looking at their carefree giggles, he asks them if they know what had to be done to keep the crosswalks safe for children such as themselves; if they know how different their world might have been if he had not carved out the law in blood and death.

The intersection does not look into his soul and _know_ him. Rather, he knows the intersection. He knows that in a moment the little white man illuminated by tiny bulbs will disappear and the foreboding red hand will appear. His eyes slide to the elderly woman who has just stepped off the curb. He knows that by the time she reaches the median the blinking hand will stop and the lights will change. He wonders, as she hobbles in front of the car, if she realizes that he could press his foot to the gas pedal and obliterate her. He wonders if any of the pedestrians know that at any moment the vehicles could bring death or injury – if not for the flimsy and insubstantial control of the red light.

Peripherally, he notices that the traffic light for the cars rushing past has flickered to amber.

_Amber_, he thinks, _a color he would rather forget._

Before reaching this particular intersection – where the two major arteries of the city crossed - he had felt guilty. Now that he anticipates leaving, he feels a familiar melancholy fill him. The lights change.

_Green means go._

And he is never one to disobey the law. So he pushes the car forward, and passes through the intersection. He slows to let another car merge into his lane and then speeds up so that the vehicle behind does not have to brake. He has never been one to neglect his duty – not to the rules of the road, not to the demands of the state and not to the warring demands of the hearts that are precious to him. Tomoe saves him; Kaoru rejuvenates him. They are both precious to him.

And so, he loves them both. And he loves neither.


End file.
